When Brittney posted about taking applications to be a brand ambassador, I knew I had to apply….for about a thousand reasons. The biggest, however, was for me. Reclaiming my own sexuality for myself is something I have consciously worked at for several years and I felt like this would be the perfect way to mark that and to use it to inspire others, as well.

You see, I spent one marriage feeling insecure because my husband regularly chose porn instead of me. I spent the second with an alcoholic who tried to cover his...um....alcoholic induced issues by telling me I was no longer attractive and bad at sex.

It didn’t occur to me to question why someone who used to say the opposite would change so drastically; it just sent me into a tailspin.

I’ve spoken to far too many women in my coaching business and my personal life who have experienced similar things. I wanted to use this to show them that it’s okay to reclaim their sexuality---that confidence and vulnerability and inner goddess---for themselves!! That we don’t have to wait until a potential or current partner tells us we’re sexy. We can just BE sexy! We can be confident and vulnerable and radiate that inner goddess!!

So I submitted my application. And when it was accepted, I felt a cross between “YAY!!!” and “omg, what on earth did I just sign up for??” I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my why and signed the contract. I scheduled my shoot and picked out some lingerie options and told the people I knew would support me.

I come from a pretty conservative background, and, quite honestly, the idea of doing this privately would have been a stretch, so doing it publicly was a huge leap. But again, I held onto all those whys and didn’t back out. Not even when Brittney published the event for the LIVE that I’d forgotten about! I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I teach women on the regular that courage means doing it scared! I reminded myself that I know the difference between scary because it’s new and fear that’s a warning to change direction.

I did get a little nervous as the shoot got closer. I was excited, for sure, but also had the nerves. I worried about my hair. I kicked myself for not waiting to sign up for a later date so I could lose some weight. I wondered if Brittney would be able to get any good shots. I wondered if I would like them. I stressed about what to wear.

And then I practiced my own skills on myself: I packed the hair stuff I use to cover greys between dye jobs. I reminded myself that I teach women to accept their bodies and even their own sexiness at any weight….which means doing that for my own. I reminded myself that I’ve seen Brittney’s work and it’s AMAZING and why on earth would she have picked me to represent her if she didn’t think she could get some good shots..

The day of the shoot arrived and I packed way too many options so that I could get Brittney’s input on what would photograph best. I packed my sexiest shoes and painted my nails and headed out.

Brittney put me at such ease from the second I walked in. Her studio is adorable and the sets are so feminine and it’s so easy to feel pretty when you’re sitting on a pink couch! She showed me all the things I’d need to know and we chatted wardrobe--picking out a couple based on what I said about them and then sharing some options for the community to vote on….where the simple set I’d bought at Target the night before based purely on color was the clear winner!

Morgan arrived to do my hair and makeup and her sunny personality made for easy conversation about kids and chickens and makeup and everything and nothing. I’ve never actually had my makeup done professionally before, and I have to admit I felt totally pampered! When she showed me in the mirror, I was so floored to see the transformation! I felt glamorous and ready to show off her brilliant work!

Morgan took off and I got naked. Well, not really. We started with an oversized sweater and that pretty pink couch. Brittney told me where to sit and how to move my arms and my feet and where to put my hands. She even had prompts for how to get my face to do what the shot called for. Which was awesome since I’ve got a great RBF and that prob isn’t the look I’d want the shots of! She took all of the guesswork out so I could just enjoy.

Next up was the live portion. Yikes. Knowing that friends and strangers on the internet were going to be watching me posing in lingerie was…..well, I had to remind myself of all those whys all over again! But again, Brittney put me totally at ease and told me exactly what to do. We laughed when my ample boob tried to fall out of lingerie….my big boob sisters know that lingerie is simply not made for us!! Soon enough, I forgot that the camera was recording!

Last up was a robe over that pretty green bra & panty set. I love sets like that, by the way. I totally love wearing pretty things and by now I was warmed up and more comfortable. So much so that I even took the robe off….something I didn’t really expect to do! I lounged on the bed and laughed at the awkwardness of some poses. And then….just like that...it was over! I was actually kind of bummed to be done!

After packing up my things and forgetting my water bottle, I spent the next couple days stressing about whether or not Brittney got any good shots. When she sent me the sneak peeks, I let out a sigh of relief. They were beautiful! I’ve never seen my own self in this kind of light before and I just couldn’t believe how gorgeous they were!! Those sneaks took me to my next fear to face--posting them on my social media. I’d already heard from some trolls in the teases leading up to the session, so I got to practice shutting those voices out of my head and focusing on the ones that were inspired. I got to remember that I’m totally okay knowing that I’m not for everyone and that I believe in this message. That practice came in handy as I got the social media proofs and began posting one of those each week, too. I also got a great laugh as Brittney shared a funny shot from editing that had captured quite a crazy expression!

Time flew by and it was time for the live reveal. Again, I was nervous there wouldn’t be very many shots I loved. I was wrong. So very wrong. Because here’s the thing. She’d already removed all the truly terrible shots from viewing. And, sure, there were a few that I definitely didn’t love, but overwhelmingly, it was incredibly difficult to narrow my choices down. I didn’t expect that. You know what else I didn’t expect? To want to keep a shot that showed the mom belly--you know the one. The stretch marks and the way it bulged over the bottoms a little. Actually, there were two. I kept them because it’s real. Just like the funny expression she’d sent to me and the truly terrible she didn’t show me and the shots I didn’t love….they were all real. Which meant the extra glamorous and sexy shots were also real, too. I’m a real woman. With curves and weight fluctuations and sometimes unflattering expressions and sometimes super sexiness. Not just in the studio with the makeup and the lashes and lighting….but in real life. When I’m with someone who loves me. When they see all the parts of me and love me anyway. When I’m with only myself and see all the parts of me and love me anyway.

And mine is the view that matters. I learned to love myself when the people around me didn’t. I’ve learned to accept and love all the light and shadow that make me who I am. I’ve learned that life is a beautiful mess and it simply doesn’t always look beautiful or perfect.

But sometimes it does. And it’s okay to have a side of myself that is beautiful and sexy and sensual and glamorous. And it’s okay to love that side of myself, too.

Which means it’s also okay for you.

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The View That Matters ~ Guest Blog, Vancouver, WA Boudoir Photography